July 5, 2019
I read and researched Dr. Google for over 8 months, read way too many forums, downloaded a handful of apps, bought 2 different types of Doppler’s and watched countless hours of You Tube channels to prepare myself for the life changing journey of motherhood. I worried about every movement, ache and pain and drove myself (and my husband) crazy. It really didn’t matter though, because nothing I read or heard prepared me for all the emotions I have felt since Violet made her grand entrance into the world on July 5, 2019.
She spent her first week in the NICU which was heart wrenching. To give birth and have to leave the hospital empty handed makes me tear up till this day. The feeling of failure and somehow letting your child down was overwhelming. We went home the day after she was born and our quiet house and the empty feeling in my stomach was unbearable. Violet came at 34 weeks and it may sound silly but not being able to say “goodbye” to her in my tummy and enjoy feeling her kick and hiccup one last time made me feel empty inside. It made me regret complaining of the pain and aches and all I could think about was how I missed out on enjoying the end of my pregnancy. Maybe I was feeling this way because I didn’t even have her in my arms at home. I missed out on her first bottle, her first pacifier, her first diaper change.... I missed all of this because she was in the NICU and I just can’t help but cry about it. I wonder if that feeling of “missing out“ will ever pass.
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